You know you should talk to your parent about death and dying. Their wishes for end-of-life care. What they want after they're gone. But every time you think about bringing it up, you freeze. It feels too morbid, too scary, too final.
Here's the truth: having this conversation is one of the greatest gifts you can give each other. It prevents crises, honors their wishes, and often brings unexpected peace and closeness. This guide will help you start.
Research shows that most elderly adults want to discuss their end-of-life wishes—they're just waiting for permission or an opening. Your parent may be more ready for this conversation than you think. Often, it's the adult children who resist more than the parents.
Why This Conversation Matters
- Prevent crisis decisions: Making choices under emergency stress is agonizing
- Honor their wishes: You can't honor what you don't know
- Reduce family conflict: Clear wishes prevent sibling disagreements
- Give them agency: While they can still participate in decisions
- Reduce your guilt: Knowing you did what they wanted
- Deepen connection: These conversations often bring unexpected intimacy
What to Talk About
Medical Preferences
- Do they want CPR if their heart stops?
- Would they want to be on a ventilator (breathing machine)?
- How do they feel about feeding tubes?
- When is "enough" treatment enough?
- What's more important: length of life or quality of life?
- Would they want hospice care?
Practical Matters
- Where are important documents (will, power of attorney)?
- Account information and passwords
- Insurance policies and financial accounts
- Do they have a plan for their home, pets, belongings?
- Funeral preferences: burial or cremation? Type of service?
Personal Wishes
- Where would they want to die (home, hospital, hospice)?
- Who do they want with them?
- Religious or spiritual practices that matter to them
- Special items they want passed to specific people
- Stories or wisdom they want to share
- Anything they want to say or resolve?
Don't just have the conversation—write down what they tell you. Make sure their wishes are documented in advance directives, shared with doctors, and known to all family members. Verbal wishes alone aren't enough.
How to Start the Conversation
Opening Lines
- "I've been thinking about the future. Can we talk about some things?"
- "I read an article about end-of-life planning. Do you have thoughts about this?"
- "I want to make sure I know what you'd want if something happened."
- "A friend's parent was in the hospital and the family didn't know what to do. I don't want that for us."
- "Your doctor asked about advance directives. Have you thought about this?"
- "I filled out my own advance directive. It made me want to know about yours."
Good Approaches
- Choose a calm moment: Not during a health crisis
- One-on-one first: Easier than a family gathering
- Start small: Don't try to cover everything at once
- Make it about them: "I want to honor what YOU want"
- Listen more than talk: This is about their wishes, not yours
- Normalize it: "This is just responsible planning, like having a will"
If They Resist
Some parents don't want to discuss death. Strategies:
- "I need this for me": "It would give me peace of mind"
- Use a proxy: "The doctor asked me to get this information"
- Start with logistics: Documents and accounts before emotions
- Share your own plans: "I've been thinking about what I'd want"
- Give them time: Plant the seed and return to it
- Try written prompts: Some people write what they can't say
These conversations require cognitive capacity. If your parent develops dementia, the window closes. Don't wait for a "better time"—there may not be one. Having an imperfect conversation is better than having none.
Topics That Often Arise
Fear of Being a Burden
Many parents express worry about burdening their children. Reassure them:
- "This is what family does. You took care of me."
- "Knowing your wishes makes it easier, not harder."
- "We can plan together so it's manageable."
Fear of Death Itself
If they express fear:
- Listen without trying to fix it
- Ask what specifically they're afraid of (pain? unknown? leaving you?)
- Offer to explore spiritual resources together
- Reassure them they won't be alone
Regrets and Unfinished Business
Sometimes these conversations open doors to:
- Apologies that need to be made
- Forgiveness they want to extend or receive
- Things they want you to know about their life
- Stories they want to pass down
Many families report that these "death conversations" become their most meaningful moments. They often lead to stories, expressions of love, and connection that might never have happened otherwise. The conversation you're dreading may become a treasure.
After the Conversation
- Document their wishes: Help them complete advance directives
- Share with the right people: Doctors, family members, healthcare agents
- Store documents safely: Where they can be found in an emergency
- Revisit periodically: Wishes can change over time
- Thank them: Acknowledge the courage this took
When They Can No Longer Participate
If your parent has dementia or is otherwise unable to have this conversation:
- Review any documents they previously created
- Consider what you know about their values and past statements
- Consult with the healthcare power of attorney
- Talk to their long-term friends or clergy who may know their wishes
- Make decisions based on "what would they want?" not "what do I want?"
Scripts for Difficult Conversations
Our conversation guides include word-for-word scripts for the hardest topics, including death and dying.
Get the Complete Caregiver Kit- Most elderly parents want to discuss death—they're waiting for permission
- Cover medical preferences, practical matters, and personal wishes
- Start small and listen more than talk
- Document everything and share with the right people
- If they resist, try different approaches and give them time
- Don't wait until cognitive decline makes the conversation impossible
- These conversations often bring unexpected intimacy and peace
- Revisit the conversation as circumstances change