Talking to Doctors About Your Elderly Parent

Medical appointments for elderly parents can be overwhelming. Your parent may have multiple health conditions, see several specialists, and struggle to remember symptoms or instructions. Meanwhile, doctors are often rushed, communication can be fragmented, and important concerns get missed.

As a caregiver, you're often the key to bridging these gaps. Learning how to prepare effectively, communicate clearly, and advocate when necessary can dramatically improve your parent's healthcare experience and outcomes.

Before the Appointment

Gather Essential Information

Prepare a folder or binder with:

• Complete medication list: All prescriptions, over-the-counter meds, and supplements with doses
• Medical history summary: Major conditions, surgeries, hospitalizations
• Recent test results: Lab work, imaging, reports from other doctors
• Insurance cards: Medicare, supplemental, pharmacy
• Legal documents: Healthcare proxy, HIPAA authorization (allowing you to receive information)
• List of all doctors: Names, specialties, contact information

Prepare Questions and Concerns

Write down before the visit:

• New symptoms or changes since last visit
• Specific questions you want answered
• Concerns you've observed (even if your parent hasn't mentioned them)
• Changes in function: eating, sleeping, mobility, memory
• Side effects or problems with current medications

Talk with Your Parent First

• Ask what they want to discuss with the doctor
• Clarify if there's anything they don't want shared
• Agree on your role: silent support, active participation, or primary spokesperson
• Review any symptoms they've mentioned to you

During the Appointment

Setting the Stage

• Introduce yourself: "I'm [name], [relationship]. I help coordinate my mother's care."
• State your purpose: "I'm here to take notes and help remember what we discuss."
• Hand over your prepared materials: Give the medication list and written concerns to the nurse or doctor
• Confirm HIPAA is on file: "My mother has signed a HIPAA form allowing you to speak with me, correct?"

Communication Tips

• Let your parent speak first: Don't jump in immediately; respect their autonomy
• Add information: "Mom, would you like me to mention what we noticed last week?"
• Be specific: "She's fallen three times in the past month" vs "She's been falling a lot"
• Describe function: "He used to cook for himself; now he can't remember how to use the stove"
• Ask clarifying questions: "What do you mean by 'monitor the situation'?"
• Take notes: Write down key points, instructions, and medication changes

Essential Questions to Ask

If You Don't Understand

Never leave confused:

• "Could you explain that in simpler terms?"
• "I want to make sure I understand—are you saying...?"
• "Can you write that down for me?"
• "What website or resources would you recommend for learning more?"

Advocating for Your Parent

When to Speak Up

• Important symptoms aren't being addressed
• You have information the doctor doesn't know
• Instructions seem unrealistic for your parent's situation
• You're being rushed without getting questions answered
• Your parent can't speak for themselves due to confusion or anxiety

Advocacy Phrases That Work

• "I'm concerned about..." (opens dialogue without attacking)
• "Help me understand why..." (seeks clarification)
• "In my experience caring for her, I've noticed..." (offers observation)
• "What would you recommend if this were your parent?" (personalized advice)
• "I don't think that will work for our situation because..." (realistic pushback)
• "Can we discuss alternatives?" (opens options)

When Your Parent Minimizes Problems

Many elderly patients tell doctors "everything's fine" when it's not. Strategies:

• Pre-appointment alert: Call ahead or send a note to the doctor with your concerns
• Speak up gently: "Mom, I think we should mention the falls we discussed"
• Request private conversation: Ask to speak with the doctor separately if needed
• Use the patient portal: Send a message before the appointment

Special Situations

When Your Parent Has Dementia

• Arrive early to allow time for check-in confusion
• Bring a brief written summary of cognitive status and daily function
• Include them in conversation but be prepared to supplement information
• Don't correct them in front of the doctor—note discrepancies privately
• Ask about care goals and quality of life, not just treating every condition

When Your Parent Has Hearing Loss

• Inform staff at check-in
• Ensure hearing aids are in and working
• Ask the doctor to face your parent directly when speaking
• Request written instructions
• Repeat or rephrase if your parent misses information

Emergency Room Visits

• Bring medication list and medical history
• Know the names of their primary care doctor and specialists
• Be prepared to wait but advocate for timely care
• Ask: "What's the plan? What are we waiting for?"
• Before discharge, ensure you understand follow-up care

After the Appointment

Immediate Steps

• Review your notes while fresh
• Fill prescriptions before leaving the pharmacy
• Schedule follow-up appointments before leaving
• Clarify anything you're unsure about with staff

At Home

• Update medication list with any changes
• Explain the visit to your parent in simple terms
• Share key information with other family caregivers
• Set reminders for new medications or follow-up calls
• Request test results through patient portal

Following Up

• Watch for new or concerning symptoms
• Monitor for medication side effects
• Call if symptoms worsen or don't improve as expected
• Don't wait until the next appointment if something is wrong

Managing Multiple Doctors

Elderly patients often see multiple specialists who may not communicate well with each other.

Coordination Strategies

• Designate a primary doctor: Usually the primary care physician coordinates overall care
• Bring records: Carry copies of test results and recent notes to every appointment
• Share medication lists: Ensure every doctor knows all medications
• Request communication: Ask specialists to send reports to the primary doctor
• Keep your own records: Maintain a folder with all medical information

When You Can't Attend

If you can't be at an appointment:

• Send a written list of concerns and questions with your parent
• Ask if you can call in to the appointment
• Request that office staff read your concerns to the doctor
• Ask your parent to request that the doctor call you after
• Use the patient portal to message the doctor

Common Challenges

Doctor Won't Listen

• Put concerns in writing before the appointment
• Be specific and concise
• Ask directly: "I don't feel my concerns are being addressed. Can we discuss this further?"
• Request a longer appointment
• Consider changing doctors if pattern continues

Your Parent Refuses Your Help

• Respect their autonomy if they're competent
• Offer to wait in the waiting room instead
• Ask if you can just "sit quietly" to hear what's said
• Suggest you can help remember instructions
• Express concern without demanding

Getting Through to Specialists

• Ask the primary care doctor to make referrals and send records
• Call the specialist office to ensure referral was received
• Bring copies of relevant records yourself
• Request urgent appointments if situation warrants