How to Talk to Parents About Assisted Living
This might be the hardest conversation of your life. You're asking your parent to acknowledge they can't take care of themselves. You're asking them to leave a home full of memories. You're facing their fear—and your own guilt.
But the conversation can go better than you expect if you approach it the right way.
When to Have This Conversation
The best time: Before there's a crisis. When it's still theoretical, everyone can think more clearly.
Signs it's time to start talking:
- Multiple falls or near-falls
- Declining ability to manage daily activities
- Medication errors or mismanagement
- Unsafe home environment
- Social isolation and loneliness
- Caregiver burnout (yours)
- Declining cognitive function
- Parent's own concerns about safety
After a hospitalization or major fall, decisions get rushed. You'll have less time to research options, and your parent will have less say. Start the conversation while you can still plan together.
Scripts to Start the Conversation
The Concern Opener
"Mom, I've been worried about you lately. I noticed [specific observation—like you've lost weight, or the house is harder to keep up]. Can we talk about how things are going?"
The Future Planning Approach
"Dad, I want to make sure we have a plan for the future so we're not scrambling if something happens. Can we talk about what you'd want if you ever needed more help than you have now?"
The "What If" Approach
"I've been thinking about what we'd do if you had a health scare and couldn't stay home alone. I'd feel better knowing we have a plan. Would you be open to looking at some options together?"
The "I Need Your Help" Approach
"Mom, I need your help with something. I'm struggling to provide the level of care you need while also [working/caring for my kids/managing my own health]. Can we explore options together?"
Common Objections and How to Respond
"I'm fine. I don't need help."
"I'm not going to a nursing home."
"I want to stay in my home."
"We can't afford it."
"I don't want to be a burden."
What NOT to Do
- Don't ambush them. Don't gather the whole family to confront them. It feels like an intervention and puts them on the defensive.
- Don't use scare tactics. "You're going to fall and die" doesn't work. It just makes them defensive or fatalistic.
- Don't lie or sugarcoat. Don't say it's temporary when it's not. Don't say they can move back home when they can't. Honesty builds trust.
- Don't decide without them. Even if you have POA, involving them in decisions preserves their dignity and makes transitions easier.
- Don't make it about you. Avoid "Do you know how hard this is for me?" Focus on their needs and feelings.
Strategies That Work
Tour Facilities Together
Abstract conversations are hard. Visiting actual places makes it concrete and less scary. Your parent might be pleasantly surprised by modern assisted living communities.
Let Them Lead When Possible
"Would you like to look at places closer to me, or closer to your friends? Would you prefer a smaller community or a larger one with more activities?"
Find the Right Messenger
Sometimes parents hear things better from a doctor, sibling, friend, clergy member, or even a professional care manager than from their own children.
Plant Seeds
First conversation might just be planting an idea. Come back to it. Let it percolate. Time can shift perspectives.
Focus on What They'll Gain
- Social connections and activities
- No more home maintenance worries
- Meals prepared for them
- Security and safety
- Housekeeping and laundry done
- Transportation available
If your parent has dementia, the conversation changes. They may lack insight into their limitations. You may need to make decisions for their safety even if they resist. Focus on simple explanations and emotional reassurance rather than logical arguments. A geriatric care manager can help navigate this.
Getting Siblings on the Same Page
Family conflict often makes this harder. Before talking to your parent:
- Have siblings share their observations and concerns
- Agree on the message (even if you disagree on details)
- Decide who will lead the conversation
- Commit to not undermining each other in front of your parent
Word-for-Word Scripts for Every Situation
Our Conversation Scripts guide has scripts for assisted living, driving, finances, and 7 more difficult caregiving conversations.
Get the ScriptsIf They Still Refuse
You can't force a competent adult to move. If your parent refuses and they're making an informed choice, you may need to:
- Accept their decision (for now)
- Set up as much support as possible at home
- Document your concerns in writing
- Revisit the conversation periodically
- Know that circumstances often change (a fall, a hospitalization) and the conversation will come up again
If they're not competent to make this decision and you have healthcare or financial power of attorney, you may have authority to act. Consult with an elder law attorney.