How to Run a Family Meeting About Parent Care
Getting everyone on the same page is essential - and often the hardest part. Here's how to organize a productive family meeting that leads to action, not just arguments.
Without explicit conversations, caregiving defaults to whoever lives closest or whoever steps up first. This creates resentment, burnout, and conflict. A structured family meeting gets everyone's capabilities, limitations, and expectations on the table before crisis hits.
When to Call a Family Meeting
- After a health event (fall, hospitalization, diagnosis)
- When you notice signs that a parent needs more help
- Before a major decision (moving, hiring care, POA)
- When the current arrangement isn't working
- When one person is doing everything (that's you)
- Periodically (every 6-12 months) as needs evolve
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Recommended Family Caregiving Resources
- The 36-Hour Day Essential guide for family caregiving discussions
- Get It Together: Organize Your Records Document care plans and family agreements
- Family Meeting Planner Structure productive family care discussions
- Portable Document Scanner Share care documents with family members
Before the Meeting: Preparation
Decide Who Should Attend
All adult children should be included, even difficult ones. Consider including: spouses (they're affected too), the parent (if cognitively able), and possibly a neutral facilitator for very contentious families.
Choose the Right Format
In-person is best, but video call works for geographically dispersed families. Allow 2-3 hours. Weekend mornings work well when people are fresh. Avoid holidays when emotions run high.
Set an Agenda and Share It
Send the agenda a week ahead so everyone can prepare. Include specific questions to be decided. This prevents surprise attacks and allows thoughtful consideration.
Gather Information
Collect relevant facts: parent's medical conditions, current care needs, financial situation (if known), care costs, available resources. Facts reduce conflict.
Sample Agenda
Family Care Meeting Agenda
- Current situation update (15 min) - Medical status, daily needs, what's working, what isn't
- Assessment of care needs (20 min) - What help does Mom/Dad actually need now and in the near future?
- Care options (30 min) - What are the realistic options? Costs, pros/cons of each
- Division of responsibilities (30 min) - Who can contribute what (time, money, specific tasks)?
- Decisions needed (20 min) - What must we decide today?
- Next steps and follow-up (15 min) - Action items, timeline, next meeting
Running the Meeting
Ground Rules
Establish these at the start:
- One person speaks at a time
- Focus on the parent's needs, not old grievances
- No interrupting
- Respectful disagreement is okay; personal attacks are not
- Everyone's contribution has value (even if different)
- Decisions require consensus or at least consent to proceed
Designate Roles
Facilitator
Keeps discussion on track, ensures everyone speaks, manages time. Can be a sibling or neutral party.
Note-Taker
Documents decisions, action items, who's responsible for what. Shares summary afterward.
Timekeeper
Watches clock, gives warnings when time on a topic is ending. Keeps meeting from dragging.
Key Questions to Discuss
- What does Mom/Dad need help with now? What will they likely need in 6 months? A year?
- What are the realistic options for meeting those needs?
- What can each of us contribute (time, money, specific skills)?
- What are our limitations? What can't we do?
- What does Mom/Dad want (if they can participate)?
- Who will be the primary point person/coordinator?
- How will we handle finances/costs?
- How will we communicate and make decisions going forward?
Dividing Responsibilities Fairly
Equal division of tasks is rarely possible or appropriate. The sibling who lives nearby will inevitably do more hands-on care. The one with more money may contribute financially. The one with medical knowledge may handle doctor communications. Fair means everyone contributes what they reasonably can.
Types of Contributions
- Hands-on care: Visits, errands, transportation, personal care
- Financial: Contributing to care costs, housing modifications, respite care
- Administrative: Insurance, bills, paperwork, coordinating appointments
- Research: Finding resources, vetting facilities, exploring options
- Emotional support: Regular phone calls, visiting, being present
- Respite: Giving the primary caregiver breaks
- Specific expertise: Legal, medical, financial knowledge
Creating a Care Plan
Document who will do what:
- Daily/weekly tasks and who's responsible
- Who handles medical appointments and communication
- Who manages finances and bills
- Backup plan when primary person is unavailable
- How costs will be shared
- Schedule for check-ins and updates
Handling Difficult Dynamics
The Sibling Who Won't Help
- Ask specifically for what you need, not vague "help"
- Offer choices: "Can you take Tuesday afternoons OR handle the pharmacy?"
- Be clear about consequences: "If you can't help with time, we need financial contribution for hired care"
- Accept that you can't force participation
- Focus on what you can control
The Sibling Who Criticizes But Doesn't Help
- "I hear your concerns. What specifically would you do differently?"
- "I'm open to other approaches if you're willing to implement them"
- Set boundaries: "I'm happy to discuss solutions. I'm not willing to defend every decision I make"
The Sibling Who Lives Far Away
- Assign tasks that can be done remotely (research, phone calls, financial management)
- Schedule regular visits to give local sibling a break
- Financial contribution may be their primary way to help
- Include them via video call - distance doesn't mean uninvolved
Old Family Wounds
Yes, your brother was always the favorite. Yes, your sister never takes responsibility. Yes, there's decades of history. But this meeting is about your parent's care, not resolving childhood trauma. Stay focused on the present and future. Deal with family therapy separately.
When to Bring in Help
Consider a professional facilitator if:
- Family conflict is severe
- Previous meetings have ended badly
- There are concerns about undue influence or exploitation
- Decisions involve large sums of money
- You need a neutral party to present difficult information
Options include: geriatric care managers, family mediators, social workers, elder law attorneys, or faith leaders.
Including Your Parent
If your parent is cognitively able:
- They should be included - it's their life
- Ask what they want, what matters to them
- Respect their preferences even if you disagree
- Don't talk about them as if they're not there
- Some topics (like POA, finances) may need a separate conversation first
If your parent has cognitive impairment:
- They may still participate for part of the meeting
- Keep their stated wishes (from when they had capacity) central
- Consider what they would want based on their values
- Some decisions may need to be made on their behalf
After the Meeting
Send Written Summary
Within 48 hours, send notes including all decisions made, who's responsible for what, and deadlines. This prevents "I never agreed to that."
Follow Up on Action Items
Check in on commitments. People forget or procrastinate. Gentle reminders keep things moving.
Schedule the Next Meeting
Care needs change. Plan to reconvene in 3-6 months, or sooner if circumstances change.
Establish Ongoing Communication
Create a group text, email thread, or shared document for regular updates. Everyone should know what's happening.
If It Doesn't Go Well
Some family meetings fail. If yours does:
- You still need to make decisions - with or without consensus
- Document what you're doing and why
- Consult professionals (doctor, social worker, attorney) for guidance
- Accept that some family members may opt out
- Build your support system elsewhere (friends, support groups, hired help)
- Don't martyr yourself - set boundaries on what you'll do alone
The goal isn't a perfect meeting. It's getting everyone informed, establishing some division of labor, and creating a path forward. Even imperfect progress is progress.
Get Everyone Organized
Our Care Coordination Binder includes family meeting templates, responsibility checklists, and communication logs.
View Resources