How to Communicate with a Parent Who Has Dementia
Practical techniques to reduce frustration, avoid arguments, and maintain connection as memory and language fade.
Conversations with your parent used to be easy. Now every interaction feels like walking through a minefield. They repeat the same questions, get frustrated when they can't find words, argue about things that clearly happened, or don't recognize people they've known for decades.
It's not their fault—and it's not yours either. Dementia changes how the brain processes language, memory, and emotions. But once you understand what's happening, you can adapt how you communicate to reduce frustration for both of you.
You cannot change their reality to match yours. You must enter their reality. Arguing, correcting, and trying to orient them to "truth" causes distress without any benefit. Meeting them where they are is not lying—it's kindness.
How Dementia Affects Communication
Understanding what's happening in their brain helps you respond with compassion:
- Short-term memory fails first: They can't remember what happened 5 minutes ago, but may vividly recall 1965
- Word-finding becomes hard: They know what they want to say but can't retrieve the words
- Processing slows: They need more time to understand what you said
- Abstract thinking declines: Metaphors, sarcasm, and complex concepts become confusing
- Emotions remain intact: They may not remember what happened, but they remember how it made them feel
- Time becomes jumbled: They may believe they're 30 years old or that deceased loved ones are still alive
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Recommended Dementia Communication Resources
- The 36-Hour Day Expert strategies for dementia communication
- Memory Photo Album Visual aids for conversation and reminiscence
- Simple Day Clock Reduce confusion about time and day
- Music Therapy Player Connect through familiar music and songs
The Core Principles
Enter Their Reality
Don't correct, argue, or try to orient them. If they think it's 1985, go there with them. If they're looking for their mother (who died years ago), don't remind them of the loss. Join their world.
Feelings Over Facts
They won't remember what you said, but they'll remember how you made them feel. A calm, warm presence matters more than accurate information. Kindness is always the right answer.
Slow Down
Speak slowly and clearly. Wait for responses—counting to 10 before repeating. Give them time to process. Rushing creates anxiety.
Keep It Simple
One idea at a time. Short sentences. Yes/no questions instead of open-ended ones. Concrete words instead of abstract concepts.
You Set the Tone
They pick up on your emotional state. If you're tense, they become anxious. If you're calm and warm, they relax. Your mood is contagious.
Practical Techniques
How to Start Conversations
- Approach from the front so they can see you coming (prevents startle)
- Make eye contact before speaking
- Use their name to get attention: "Mom, I want to ask you something"
- Touch gently (if welcome) to establish connection—hand on arm or shoulder
- Smile—your facial expression sets the emotional tone
- Identify yourself if there's any doubt: "Hi Mom, it's Sarah, your daughter"
How to Ask Questions
Do This
- "Would you like coffee or tea?"
- "Is this your blue sweater?"
- "Should we go for a walk?"
- "Do you want to eat now?"
- Offer two choices maximum
Avoid This
- "What do you want to drink?"
- "What are you looking for?"
- "What do you want to do today?"
- "Do you remember...?"
- Open-ended questions that require recall
When They Repeat Questions
Hearing "What day is it?" for the 15th time is maddening—for you. But for them, each time is the first time. Here's how to respond:
- Answer calmly each time as if it's the first time they asked
- Write it down on a whiteboard they can see: "Today is Tuesday, January 14"
- Redirect after answering: "It's Tuesday. Let's look at the birds outside"
- Consider what's underneath: Repetitive questions often signal anxiety. Address the feeling, not just the question
Instead of thinking "She asked this already," try thinking "Her brain can't hold this information—how can I help her feel secure?" The goal isn't to inform; it's to comfort.
When They Can't Find Words
Word-finding difficulties are frustrating for both of you:
- Be patient—don't jump in immediately to finish sentences
- Watch for clues: gestures, pointing, context
- Offer gentle prompts: "The thing you put on your foot?" (rather than immediately saying "shoe")
- If they get frustrated: "It's okay, show me what you mean" or "Let's figure it out together"
- Acknowledge the frustration: "I know it's hard when the word won't come"
Handling Difficult Situations
When They Don't Recognize You
One of the most painful moments in caregiving. Here's how to handle it:
If They Think You're Someone Else
Go with it. If Mom thinks you're her sister, be the sister for now. If Dad doesn't recognize you as his child, introduce yourself warmly as a friend. Correcting them won't restore recognition—it will just upset them.
If They're Looking for Deceased Loved Ones
"Where's my mother?" Don't say "She died 20 years ago." This forces them to re-grieve. Instead: "Tell me about your mother" or "You must miss her" or "She's not here right now, but I am."
When They Believe Something Untrue
Dementia causes false beliefs that feel absolutely real to them:
Example: "Someone stole my wallet!"
Instead of: "No one stole it—you just forgot where you put it."
Try: "That's upsetting. Let's look for it together. Can you tell me where you last had it?"
Example: "I have to go to work!"
Instead of: "You retired 15 years ago."
Try: "You worked so hard. What did you do at work?" Or: "Today is your day off."
Example: "I need to pick up the children from school!"
Instead of: "The kids are grown adults now."
Try: "The children are taken care of. Let's have some tea while we wait."
When They Become Agitated or Angry
- Stay calm—your anxiety will escalate theirs
- Don't argue or reason—logic won't work and makes things worse
- Validate the emotion: "You seem upset. I'm sorry this is frustrating"
- Change the subject or suggest an activity
- Leave the room briefly if needed (if safe to do so)
- Check for unmet needs: pain, hunger, bathroom, too hot/cold
- Consider the time of day: sundowning causes late-afternoon agitation
If agitation is frequent, severe, or involves hitting/pushing, talk to their doctor. It may indicate pain, infection, medication side effects, or need for different management strategies.
When They Refuse Care
Resistance to bathing, dressing, or eating is common:
- Don't force it—this creates fear and makes future attempts harder
- Try again later—timing matters
- Use distraction: sing a favorite song, play music
- Give them control: "Would you like to wash your hands first, or brush your teeth?"
- Consider the "why": fear of falling in shower? Cold? Forgotten what "shower" means?
- Adjust expectations: sponge bath instead of shower, clothing that's easier to put on
Communication at Different Stages
Early Stage
They're aware of their decline, which causes fear and frustration:
- Don't finish their sentences—give them time
- Acknowledge their feelings about what's happening
- Involve them in decisions while they still can participate
- Keep conversations and routines normal as long as possible
- Don't talk about them as if they're not there
Middle Stage
Language and memory are significantly impacted:
- Simplify all communication
- Use visual cues and demonstrations
- Rely more on emotion and less on words
- Use the validation techniques described above
- Accept that you're communicating with a different version of your parent
Late Stage
Verbal communication may be minimal or absent:
- Focus on presence, touch, and tone of voice
- Speak even if they can't respond—hearing persists
- Play familiar music
- Read to them in a calm voice
- Hold their hand, gentle massage
- They can still feel love even without words
Taking Care of Yourself
Communicating with someone with dementia is emotionally exhausting:
- It's okay to grieve the conversations you used to have
- Take breaks—step away when you need to
- Don't take it personally when they're angry or don't recognize you
- Find support: caregiver groups, counseling, friends who understand
- Celebrate small moments of connection when they happen
- Remember: imperfect communication is still communication
Even when words fail and memories fade, connection remains possible. A smile, a gentle touch, a familiar song, sitting together in comfortable silence—these are communication too. Love doesn't require perfect recall.
Scripts for Difficult Conversations
Our Difficult Conversations Scripts include word-for-word phrases for talking to parents with dementia about care needs, doctors, and daily routines.
Get the Complete Scripts