Dementia Repetitive Questions: How to Respond
"What day is it?" "When is lunch?" "Where's Mom?" The same question, asked 50 times a day. You've already answered. They've already forgotten. And you're about to lose your mind. This is one of the most exhausting parts of dementia caregiving. Here's how to survive it.
When someone with dementia asks the same question repeatedly, they genuinely don't remember asking before. Each time feels like the first time to them. They're not trying to annoy you—their brain simply cannot hold onto the information.
Why Does This Happen?
- Short-term memory loss: New information doesn't stick. They can't remember asking or your answer.
- Anxiety: Questions often relate to something they're worried about. The anxiety remains even when the answer doesn't.
- Need for connection: Sometimes repetition is about seeking reassurance and contact, not the actual answer.
- Lack of stimulation: Boredom can increase repetitive behavior.
- Unmet needs: They may be trying to express hunger, discomfort, or needing the bathroom but can't articulate it.
- Routine disruption: Changes in schedule or environment increase anxiety and questions.
How to Respond
- Answer calmly each time: Keep your tone matter-of-fact and reassuring
- Use short, simple answers: Long explanations are forgotten immediately anyway
- Write it down: A whiteboard or note card with the answer they can refer to
- Redirect after answering: "It's Tuesday. Would you like some tea?"
- Address the underlying emotion: If they're asking about a deceased spouse, they may be feeling lonely
- Create environmental cues: Big calendar, clocks, photos labeled with names
- "I already told you!": They don't remember. This just makes them feel bad.
- Getting frustrated: Your frustration will upset them without changing the behavior
- Quizzing them: "Don't you remember what I said?" They can't.
- Ignoring them: This increases anxiety and may escalate the questioning
- Long, detailed explanations: Wasted effort—keep it simple
Practical Strategies
For "What Time Is It?" / "What Day Is It?"
- Large clock with day/date display
- Daily whiteboard: "Today is Tuesday, January 15"
- Answer and then redirect: "It's 2pm. Time for your favorite show."
For "When Are We Eating?" / "Did I Eat?"
- Keep a simple schedule visible: "Lunch at 12pm"
- Leave evidence of meals (empty plate, dirty dishes visible)
- Offer a small snack to satisfy the feeling
- Check if they're actually hungry vs. anxious
For "Where Is [Deceased Person]?"
- Avoid re-traumatizing with death news each time
- Redirect: "Tell me about Mom" instead of "She died 10 years ago"
- Address the feeling: "You miss her, don't you?"
- Therapeutic fibbing may be kinder: "She's not here right now"
For "When Am I Going Home?"
- "Home" may mean childhood home or feeling of security
- Validate: "You want to feel comfortable. Let's make this feel like home."
- Redirect: Engage in a comforting activity
- Don't argue about where home is
Many caregivers find success with a simple card or whiteboard: "Today is Tuesday. Lunch is at noon. [Name] will visit at 3pm." The person can check it themselves, which gives them a sense of control and may reduce questions.
Look for the Need Behind the Question
Often repetitive questions signal an unmet need:
- "What time is it?": Anxiety about schedule, routine disruption
- "When are we eating?": Hunger, thirst, boredom, or just oral stimulation need
- "Where's my purse/wallet?": Feeling insecure, need for control
- "I want to go home": Feeling unsafe, uncomfortable, or overstimulated
- "Where is [person]?": Loneliness, need for connection
Addressing the underlying need (security, hunger, connection) may reduce the repetition.
Coping Strategies for Caregivers
Protect Your Sanity
- Take breaks: Even 15 minutes away can reset your patience
- Deep breathing: Before you answer for the 47th time, breathe
- Mental mantras: "This is the disease, not them" or "Each question is new to them"
- Headphones with music/podcasts: Background audio can help you cope
- Tag team: If others are available, take turns
Reframe Your Thinking
- They're not doing this to you—it's happening to them
- Your calm presence matters more than your answer
- Some days will be worse than others
- This phase may change as the disease progresses
If you feel yourself about to snap, walk away. Say "I'll be right back" and give yourself a moment. It's better to step away briefly than to yell. You're human, and this is incredibly hard.
When to Talk to the Doctor
- Sudden increase in repetitive behavior (could signal infection, medication issue)
- Repetition accompanied by severe anxiety or agitation
- If it's causing significant distress to your parent
- To discuss if medication might help (though effects are limited)
A Word About Grief
Repetitive questions are a constant reminder of what's been lost. Every time you answer the same question, you're confronted with how much they've declined. It's okay to grieve this. It's okay to feel sad and frustrated. You're watching your parent disappear, one question at a time.